Yet another ‘Blame the Healer’ post.. but this time, I’m blaming myself.
The thing is, my experience at the Altdorf dungeon was bad because I blamed myself for things going wrong. I do the same with the new LotRO instances. If they go well, I congratulate the group. If they go badly, I hammer myself for not having the right skill to use at the right time, or being in the wrong place. This is often exacerbated because healing, by its nature, means you can’t always concentrate on other aspects of the fight, so I find myself being told to move, or do something urgently. I can switch and do these things, and I can also often do it all myself just by being on the ball – but like I said, if it goes wrong.. I don’t blame anyone but myself.
I know at least one other healer that’s the same.
And yet, when I left DAoC I was absolutely sure that I’d shaken off the guilt that can go hand-in-hand with playing a healer. I don’t think, unless I’d been so sure, that I’d have taken up healing mantle again (though for LotRO I honestly went in not wanting to play a healer, but the captain class is SO perfect for me, and now I couldn’t really imagine playing much else). It’s a weird situation, I love healing – but very occasionally I hate how it makes me feel. Most of the time, I adore it, so don’t get me wrong, this isn’t some whiny post. Really ;p
And there’s nothing anyone else can do about it, because it’s only to do with my own perception and feelings. No amount of thanks or assurances can change my perception of my role and when I balls it up! So I just go into every encounter hoping for the best. Last night it went spectacularly well, after a small problem to begin with, and so I ended up feeling pretty good (though a little guilty that I keep winning the big loot rolls – but it matters less since we intend to gear everyone up, and unlike some I’ll be there until everyone has there stuff, mostly because I enjoy the instances, but also because many of the hardmodes are under 30 mins!).