mea culpa

January 12, 2009

Yet another ‘Blame the Healer’ post.. but this time, I’m blaming myself.

The thing is, my experience at the Altdorf dungeon was bad because I blamed myself for things going wrong. I do the same with the new LotRO instances. If they go well, I congratulate the group. If they go badly, I hammer myself for not having the right skill to use at the right time, or being in the wrong place. This is often exacerbated because healing, by its nature, means you can’t always concentrate on other aspects of the fight, so I find myself being told to move, or do something urgently. I can switch and do these things, and I can also often do it all myself just by being on the ball – but like I said, if it goes wrong.. I don’t blame anyone but myself.

I know at least one other healer that’s the same.

And yet, when I left DAoC I was absolutely sure that I’d shaken off the guilt that can go hand-in-hand with playing a healer. I don’t think, unless I’d been so sure, that I’d have taken up healing mantle again (though for LotRO I honestly went in not wanting to play a healer, but the captain class is SO perfect for me, and now I couldn’t really imagine playing much else). It’s a weird situation, I love healing – but very occasionally I hate how it makes me feel. Most of the time, I adore it, so don’t get me wrong, this isn’t some whiny post. Really ;p

And there’s nothing anyone else can do about it, because it’s only to do with my own perception and feelings. No amount of thanks or assurances can change my perception of my role and when I balls it up!  So I just go into every encounter hoping for the best. Last night it went spectacularly well, after a small problem to begin with, and so I ended up feeling pretty good (though a little guilty that I keep winning the big loot rolls – but it matters less since we intend to gear everyone up, and unlike some I’ll be there until everyone has there stuff, mostly because I enjoy the instances, but also because many of the hardmodes are under 30 mins!).



  1. Yay for loot! You so should not feel guilty about that 🙂 And yay for good instance runs too.

    I think everyone tends to feel that a bad run is their fault or that it’s their job to keep things smooth, but realistically it’s a team effort. Even an awesome healer (like you!) can only do so much, and we’re all human.

    But I’m just the same when an instance goes badly, I always assume it was my fault. AND I blame myself when something isn’t perfect even though we manage fine and the rest of the group probably doesn’t care.

  2. See, what I meant to continue with and what you just reminded me – is that I wonder if this is a more female trait? My male friends seem to be able to see things a lot more objectively!

  3. I hadn’t really thought about it but yeah, that could be.

  4. Of course I feel bad when someone dies because I didn’t use the right ability at the right time, but if we don’t wipe it’s kind of ok 🙂

  5. If we weren’t wiping at least once on the hard modes I’d be asking for my money back! Those fights are meant to be tough, and the wipes we’ve experienced so far have been problems with overall group tactics. We learned from the wipes, changed the tactics, and eventually prevailed.

    And as far as I’m concerned, if a healer dies in LotRO it’s because the rest of the group didn’t protect them well enough. Unless they threw themselves off a cliff or something 😉

    It does seem that men have a greater tendency to blame others when things go wrong, and women trend more towards blaming themselves, though in neither of these cases are people usually being objective!

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