Apocalypse now: An alternate story

November 6, 2009

[Blame Syp and Ysharros for this departure from my normal-type posts. Didn’t edit it, didn’t really spend much time on it, but we DO call Larky ‘pest’ which is where the initial joke came from. I’m no writer!]

Ok, so this is all a bit embarrassing. I’m pretty new to all of this, got the Apocalypse assignment quite late in the day, due to.. unforeseen circumstances. I did what any good administrator would, read up on the protocols, what was needed logistically. So we needed four harbingers of death, destruction and chaos. The old dusty tomes said ‘horsemen’, but seriously, our budget these days just wouldn’t stretch to four horses and their spectral riders. Besides, it all seemed a bit ‘Lord of the Rings’, horsemen foretelling doom.

I thought I was being post-modern and more than a little ironic, while preserving our budgetary constraints. Did a bit of reading in human mythology and it all seemed a good idea to just switch out with a cheaper animal to anthropomorphise. Humans are such malleable creatures, able to believe almost anything. So, I think they were bullshitting me a bit, when I kept hearing cats were pure evil. But, you know what, they’re also easy to work with, so thought I’d give it a shot.

Talk about disaster.

The four cats of the Apocalypse. Really, it’s going with me to the grave. But, since you asked. Here’s a quick picture of what went wrong.

Let’s start with Pestilence. I picked a small silver tabby kitten born outside a care home. She got taken in by a decent enough couple, hand-reared and hissy. Was quite proud of her ability to pick up fleas! And she was certainly a naughty kitten, but not really evil at her core. And very sleepy. After a few months, when she should have been out there spreading disease to the local population, I caught her napping, and noticed she’d not really left the house in weeks. She was my first project, so I called her in to have a chat. And she just yawned at me! I asked her all about living up to her name. And you will never guess…she’d fallen asleep during her initial briefing and thought her name was Pest!

I tried to do a better job with War, thinking War is one of the big important ones. For this we’d need a proud and large ginger tom. Picked him out, made sure he was a fighter, gave him the pep talk and sent him out to spread battle and dissent amongst the foolish humans. Backfired? Hell yes. He only got as far as the local mouse population, and when I asked he said he thought he’d start small and work up to bigger evil deeds. Ah well, at least he got some shrieks when he brought his carcasses home as gifts.

Famine.  A white tomcat this time as I’d decided to work with males since Pest’s admission of inattentiveness. Picked the scrawniest animal I could find and sent him out into the world. I know, you’ve already guessed this one. No-one told me how single-minded cats could be, nor how much humans would pander to them. Famine is now the size of a small balloon, and has 6 houses in one street that feed him daily. He says he’s decided this is a better way to live…

So, Death would be my redemption. I had it all worked out. I really did. I even saved the superstition-inducing black cat for the role and found a really evil one in an animal shelter just desperate to bring down the human race. Perfect!

But I never got the chance, I’m off the project now and additional funding is being sought. Remember this when the horsemen come. It could, and SHOULD have been the four CATS of the Apocalypse.



  1. Haha, that’s awesome! I don’t know why you think you can’t write.

  2. HAHAHA, lovely! Really good.

    What Spinks said! (By the way, I think she deserves SOME OF THE BLAME! :D)

  3. /applauds

    More, please!

  4. I fel ine awe of your literary prowess.

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